WoW

My life is boring. That is all. Good night boring life.

Unwilling strumpets...

I may be really weird but I absolutely HATE when a guy that I don't know buys me a drink. I guess I feel like it comes with some sort of anticipatory undertone that if they buy you enough things you will feel obligated to sleep with them or something ridiculous like that. A lovely way to get to know someone....make them into an unwilling strumpet within the first few moments of meeting. Maybe this sounds too feminist-ie...but it's not meant to. I guess I feel like I can buy my own damn drinks and I'd rather get to know someone not for their wallet or suaveness or ability to "pick me up" but rather their intellect or humor or their nice ass....but I want it to be my choice...so if you want to buy me a drink maybe it would be nice if you asked if you could before you just did it. Oh my god...maybe I am a feminist...shit. Shoot me now because no man will ever meet my inmeasurable standards and women are too crazy so I guess I am out of options.

Ahhh....love

Love!
Love.
Love?
Love,
Love...
How can one word so dictate the path of a life? Simply by changing the punctuation you can go from the best day ever to the most foreboding future. Bliss to tears. And in the end the question is was it all worth it? Is the ledge in front of you above a safety net or when you fall will you just land on the cold hard reality of it all? Life isn't the fairytale we're brought up hoping for. It is so much harsher, mundane and stagnate than what we envision at five years old. It is weird, what I am feeling today. Not pessimistic really, more like realistic, trepidacious, slightly sad. I think I may have forgotten how to be hopeful today and I want to cry...really, really cry just to cleanse my soul. And I would cry but I am not alone and it is no good to cry when I am not alone...then I have to hold back and then what is the point?

A dream

Have you ever woken up mid-dream kiss and ached for the stranger in your dream for the rest of the day? To know what their eyes look like when they are looking at you? Wondered if they really are a stranger? And then wondered some more how to find someone who can kiss you like that in real life? If after all of your heart breaks you'll even be strong enough to try for it again???

Today is that day for me...hauntingly, still lingering, in the back of my mind. Painting loneliness into a more tangible object...a stupid lump in my heart now, rather than the box I'd locked it into in the back of my mind. Apparently the box was full and now tears are spilling from it...Am I missing someone...I don't think so. I think I am missing the essence of someone I have yet to meet. I think that I am scared of myself, scared of the times I have already failed...feeling that I have fallen flat on my face too many times already...and maybe I should just stay on the ground.

It terrifies me that I am becoming inwardly cynical. I won't show it to anyone but my trust level is below zero at the moment...I have never been that way before. I used to trust until proven wrong and now I feel myself making new people earn that trust, even some of the old friends in my life too. I think sometimes I am naive to the world, or at least that is how I can come across. I'm really not, I just have a certain idea of how the world should be...Nice and honest and ultimately good...and if it is not that way I don't want to live in it...too idealistic perhaps...but what the hell is wrong with that? Maybe if more people thought that way the world would become that place. A place that people give back to instead of take, take, taking all the time.

So in summary this blog post shows that I am naive, waiting for a dream man, and terrified all at the same time....ah my brain takes the weirdest tangents. Must be time for bed....maybe my dream guy will come back again...and by the way...it is amazing to be dreaming again! For some reason my motto for this next week is going to be "Be the change you seek" - Gandhi it has been running through my mind all day. I guess it is time to act on it :)

Blog=Good for when Friends are Sick of Listening!

Has it really been so long...since we last talked? Almost two months and I was doing so well. And then you text me and tell me that you can't stop crying without me...blah, blah, blah. All shit I have heard before...the difference now? I am not going to feel responsible for your pain. I didn't cause it. You caused it by not dealing with yourself, your emotions, your thoughts...your flaws. Maybe once you can except yourself you can find someone who can stand to be with you without going crazy. Until then, yeah, I am sure there will be more sad nights.

You want to be friends??? Hahaha. What a fucking joke. You want a friend when you are sad, someone to cry to about how life isn't fair....that's right. Life's not fair. If it were I wouldn't have wasted 6 years of my life with someone who doesn't know how to be a friend...But, that isn't even your fault. It is mine for not knowing myself. Now that I am relearning who I am and want to be, I don't want to be your friend. I don't even like you that much. Sad? Yeah, a little. But at least I am realizing all of this at 25 rather than 40...I am still young and can still make myself whatever I want to be.

I tried to be nice and tell you that somewhere down the maybe we could be friends and that I wish you good luck...and you just had to be a jerk back. Probably a defense mechanism but when I am being sincere and honest with you I don't deserve that. So, I meant what I said...forget my phone number, forget my face and forget we ever met. It'll be best for us both!


Ahh....to vent feels sooooo good. Blog= good for when friends are sick of listening. Lol. Oh, yeah one more thing....FREEDOM!!!! Woohoo...had to get that out there.

2 a.-fucking-m.

Ah....a long, slow sigh due to the fact that it is 2:11 a.-fucking-m. and I am not asleep. Caused by the tan iced espresso mocha I drank six hours ago...I doubt it. My vacation is over :( But, I now have money to burn which everyone who knows me knows I am all to good at doing...So maybe this time I will surprise myself and put a good chunk of it into savings :) I just got back from beautiful Mesa Verde a few days ago, a lovely, spiritual place. The drive to and from both incredible and peaceful and painful, lol. Incredible that there are sights such as those to be driven through, peaceful because it was me, a few cigarettes and random passing cars on my 6 hr drive back and painful because of my sprained quad...not fun when it's your driving leg. I credit that short self journey with giving me the energy to tell my ex to basically go fuck himself...only in nicer words. Seriously, I am soooo done with that shit. I am not playing that game anymore. Everything poisonous in my life is cut the fuck out and only things with good juju are being allowed in. Only things that will contribute to the bettering of myself are allowed into my space. I am strong again, I am the girl that I loved...well in partial form...certain things will take more time to shape up, but mentally I am almost 100% back to that hopeful, bright eyed college girl pre-fucked up relationship, and ready, once again, to take on the world. I am writing again, painting and trying to help my aunt illustrate her childrens book. I feel better than i have in a long time, clearer. I have the biggest crush on this guy who I barely get to see and it is great because it is motivating me to get into better shape which has been an issue since I destroyed the ligaments in my foot a few years ago. Luckily, that is now mostly healed and I can get back to some of my favorite things, hiking and dancing and just enjoying life. So, there is my random ass 10 minute 2 a.m. rant. Night, night. Hopefully....

No new bad news would be great news!

So...I'm sitting here after a lengthy discussion with my co-workers about drugs and craziness and general human sin and all I can think of is the way that we tend to discredit eachothers feelings. When I was a college freshman I took a personal ethics class and there was an essay written about motivation and how everything that a human does is selfishly motivated in one way or another. I remember going home after that class and just bawling...things like that get to me. I am an idealist. Sometimes I tend not to live in reality and yes, that gets me into trouble. But I will be a hopeless idealist until I die because to me without that slight naiviety I possess life isn't worth a whole lot. I believe in the good of people, I believe in love, I believe in taking time to relax and smell the flowers, I believe in kissing as much as possible when it means something to you, I believe in family and a lot of things. I want the world to be an amazing place but lately things have been happening (not necessarily in my life) that make me question the goodness. I hope at some point the human race will realize that it is not about the things that you have but the forgiveness, compassion and sympathy you can show to another human being even when your own life is tough. Please let there be one day without pain, without one human hurting another and where kindness is the driving force behind our motivations. I am not perfect and in rereading this I realize I sound completely naive and sappy but it would just be nice, for one day even, to have no new bad news.

@!$*

There comes a point where just existing in something that makes you unhappy becomes eaiser than admitting you were wrong. It's like if you admit that you were wrong you lose. But really staying in something that drains you by the second makes you lose on an hourly basis. So, it is time to throw in the towel. Time to let the tears fall, let the heart break and hopefully be able to pick up the pieces and move on to something better. There is no vindication in learning that you were right I guess the only thing to be proud of in this situation is that you gave it your best shot. So today, I realize that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I deserve someone who respects me, who really loves me and doesn't just want to be with because I am a good kisser. Good kissing can mask the lack of emotional connection between two people. And I would rather be emotionally connected with someone than physically. Looks fade and I want to be with someone who, 60 years from now, still wants to talk to me and finds me interesting.

"I'll miss the version of you who loved me
And all that they don't see
You said you could be good
Somehow you're guilty
And you're not even sorry"

"Ladies Choice"
-Mandy Moore, great song, great cd