A dream

Have you ever woken up mid-dream kiss and ached for the stranger in your dream for the rest of the day? To know what their eyes look like when they are looking at you? Wondered if they really are a stranger? And then wondered some more how to find someone who can kiss you like that in real life? If after all of your heart breaks you'll even be strong enough to try for it again???

Today is that day for me...hauntingly, still lingering, in the back of my mind. Painting loneliness into a more tangible object...a stupid lump in my heart now, rather than the box I'd locked it into in the back of my mind. Apparently the box was full and now tears are spilling from it...Am I missing someone...I don't think so. I think I am missing the essence of someone I have yet to meet. I think that I am scared of myself, scared of the times I have already failed...feeling that I have fallen flat on my face too many times already...and maybe I should just stay on the ground.

It terrifies me that I am becoming inwardly cynical. I won't show it to anyone but my trust level is below zero at the moment...I have never been that way before. I used to trust until proven wrong and now I feel myself making new people earn that trust, even some of the old friends in my life too. I think sometimes I am naive to the world, or at least that is how I can come across. I'm really not, I just have a certain idea of how the world should be...Nice and honest and ultimately good...and if it is not that way I don't want to live in it...too idealistic perhaps...but what the hell is wrong with that? Maybe if more people thought that way the world would become that place. A place that people give back to instead of take, take, taking all the time.

So in summary this blog post shows that I am naive, waiting for a dream man, and terrified all at the same time....ah my brain takes the weirdest tangents. Must be time for bed....maybe my dream guy will come back again...and by the way...it is amazing to be dreaming again! For some reason my motto for this next week is going to be "Be the change you seek" - Gandhi it has been running through my mind all day. I guess it is time to act on it :)

Blog=Good for when Friends are Sick of Listening!

Has it really been so long...since we last talked? Almost two months and I was doing so well. And then you text me and tell me that you can't stop crying without me...blah, blah, blah. All shit I have heard before...the difference now? I am not going to feel responsible for your pain. I didn't cause it. You caused it by not dealing with yourself, your emotions, your thoughts...your flaws. Maybe once you can except yourself you can find someone who can stand to be with you without going crazy. Until then, yeah, I am sure there will be more sad nights.

You want to be friends??? Hahaha. What a fucking joke. You want a friend when you are sad, someone to cry to about how life isn't fair....that's right. Life's not fair. If it were I wouldn't have wasted 6 years of my life with someone who doesn't know how to be a friend...But, that isn't even your fault. It is mine for not knowing myself. Now that I am relearning who I am and want to be, I don't want to be your friend. I don't even like you that much. Sad? Yeah, a little. But at least I am realizing all of this at 25 rather than 40...I am still young and can still make myself whatever I want to be.

I tried to be nice and tell you that somewhere down the maybe we could be friends and that I wish you good luck...and you just had to be a jerk back. Probably a defense mechanism but when I am being sincere and honest with you I don't deserve that. So, I meant what I said...forget my phone number, forget my face and forget we ever met. It'll be best for us both!


Ahh....to vent feels sooooo good. Blog= good for when friends are sick of listening. Lol. Oh, yeah one more thing....FREEDOM!!!! Woohoo...had to get that out there.