No new bad news would be great news!

So...I'm sitting here after a lengthy discussion with my co-workers about drugs and craziness and general human sin and all I can think of is the way that we tend to discredit eachothers feelings. When I was a college freshman I took a personal ethics class and there was an essay written about motivation and how everything that a human does is selfishly motivated in one way or another. I remember going home after that class and just bawling...things like that get to me. I am an idealist. Sometimes I tend not to live in reality and yes, that gets me into trouble. But I will be a hopeless idealist until I die because to me without that slight naiviety I possess life isn't worth a whole lot. I believe in the good of people, I believe in love, I believe in taking time to relax and smell the flowers, I believe in kissing as much as possible when it means something to you, I believe in family and a lot of things. I want the world to be an amazing place but lately things have been happening (not necessarily in my life) that make me question the goodness. I hope at some point the human race will realize that it is not about the things that you have but the forgiveness, compassion and sympathy you can show to another human being even when your own life is tough. Please let there be one day without pain, without one human hurting another and where kindness is the driving force behind our motivations. I am not perfect and in rereading this I realize I sound completely naive and sappy but it would just be nice, for one day even, to have no new bad news.

@!$*

There comes a point where just existing in something that makes you unhappy becomes eaiser than admitting you were wrong. It's like if you admit that you were wrong you lose. But really staying in something that drains you by the second makes you lose on an hourly basis. So, it is time to throw in the towel. Time to let the tears fall, let the heart break and hopefully be able to pick up the pieces and move on to something better. There is no vindication in learning that you were right I guess the only thing to be proud of in this situation is that you gave it your best shot. So today, I realize that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I deserve someone who respects me, who really loves me and doesn't just want to be with because I am a good kisser. Good kissing can mask the lack of emotional connection between two people. And I would rather be emotionally connected with someone than physically. Looks fade and I want to be with someone who, 60 years from now, still wants to talk to me and finds me interesting.

"I'll miss the version of you who loved me
And all that they don't see
You said you could be good
Somehow you're guilty
And you're not even sorry"

"Ladies Choice"
-Mandy Moore, great song, great cd

WTF is a BLOG?

Ok, so obviously I know what a blog is...but I haven't really ever started one...I don't really know why...but now I feel like I should do one. The one Tori set up for her and Ben was so cute!!! Mine won't be nearly so adorable...mostly because I seem to have a knack for attracting drama more than Tori :) So where to start...how do you tactfully dive into uncensored narcissism and come out sounding good??? Probably you don't worry about it and just type...Let the rambling commence...

I am actually proud of myself today, I have a clean room, a clean car and I even cleaned the kitchen!!! It probably doesn't sound like a lot but it means a lot to me. It is helping me to feel like I am growing up a little. I'm totally away from the nest (my mom telling me to clean usually lead to a major rebellion against anything clean) and doing well for myself. I have a puppy, she got fixed yesterday...I felt like the worlds most evil mom, I cried when I left her with the vet and I wasn't even mad when she barfed on me twice later that night. I live with my ex-husband/ current boyfriend ( is there an actual term for this or am in uncharted relationship territory???) I think one of the disadvantages to marrying young is not knowing yourself and then getting stuck in something thinking it will define you as a person...then one morning you wake up and realize that you have no definition and have to rebuild. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, it can fall devastatingly apart, fast. There is a sad part to realizing that love is not like a Disney movie. Love is work, love is hope, love is cruel and love is beautiful...sometimes all in the same second.

But isn't life in general all of these things as well? In realizing this I am setting some goals for myself: I will go back to school next semester even i I take only one class. I will walk my dog everyday. I will work harder at my job so that I can find it more rewarding (and get more rewards, the beauty of sales) I will tell the people that I love how much they mean to mean a lot more! I will go on a trip to somewhere exotic next year, even if it is by my damn self! I will take my sister to Vegas for her 21st birthday, and we will have a crazy good time!!! I will be less hard on myself, and I will do something...even if it is small...to change the world for the better.

There are recent events that I would like to blog about soon, but I am sleepy and so I will just make myself a short list so that I remember to get to them (me, forgetful??? um, yeah) Definitely the election of the amazing Obama, the ignorance and vileness that is Sarah Palin (aka The Antichrist) The overturning of Gay marriage in California, The BCS bowl process and I'm sure many more things will come...hopefully I don't forget I created this blog!