Thank you. That isn't meant as anything mean or sarcastic, I really do mean thank you. For everything that went wrong there was a lot that ended up going right in the parallel universe of our lives and somehow I came out of our demise a much better and happier person than I ever knew I could be. What we had helped to make me strong enough to take care of whatever life may throw at me and to find a path where I can finally ask what I want out of this life and actually go and get it for myself. I have seen places this year that I never thought I would visit and I saw them completely, not from some half shelled view, that is how I saw things before, now everything is new and more exciting and I feel like I am living for the first time in 26 years...there will always be a little bit of sorrow for you in my heart which is probably why I am writing you this. I blocked you from calling and texting me because I can't hear your voice, I like being able to pretend that you are happy wherever you and whatever you may be doing. So, for every tear cried, thank you. For every kiss, thank you. For helping me realize that what I thought I wanted wasn't at all what I wanted, thank you. I doubt we'll ever talk again, we were not meant to be in each others lives forever, so I just want to send this so that you know that whatever residual hurt feelings had remained,on my end anyway, are gone and I truly wish you the best. Goodbye and good luck, don't settle and when you find the real right person treat her better than anything you could ever imagine because that is what real love is about. Maybe you have already figured that out though. May you have happiness in whatever life has in store for you next. Goodbye and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Maybe you won't understand why I am sending this to you now, but maybe some day you'll understand.
-Heidi
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Trips in 2010
Once I figure out how to actually post a photo here I will :) I am a little slow when it comes to this technologicalness. Here are a few of my photos from Yellowstone, Chicago and Indiana.
Yellowstone 2010
Chicago 2010
Indiana 2010
Well...not perfect but at least they are on here :) It was really hard to figure out that if you click on the photo icon it lets you upload an actual photo....go figure!
Yellowstone 2010
Chicago 2010
Indiana 2010
Well...not perfect but at least they are on here :) It was really hard to figure out that if you click on the photo icon it lets you upload an actual photo....go figure!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Epiphany
It's funny the way that things change, ain't it? The fact that one day you wake up and it is just different, life is different, things are more clear and the things that were once toxic to you are just gone. But, in reality they are still there, you have just left them behind. There is a massive amount of strength required to achieve this but it is necessary to be able to move forward and live for your own life rather than anything else. What will make you happy? Is it really that double cheeseburger, or one last fling with your ex? No. In reality you know that both things are terrible for you and your moment of clarity was so powerful that the epiphany of the damage they can do will cause you to avoid them like the plague. And in the end you will be beyond thankful that you did.
It's weird to look back on my life seven years ago, that girl that was in college and on the dean's list and making all of these plans for greatness. Then along came what I thought was love and I devoted everything to it. I quit school, I quit my job all so that I could spend as much time as possible with this person...a mistake? I don't know, I guess I could look at it that way but in the end if all of that hadn't happened I wouldn't be where I am now, and I like where I am and the places I am going. I have a wonderful, great paying job, I am going to go back to school and decide what I really want to do when I "grow up" and I am able to support myself. I feel pretty empowered and not so scared of what the future holds for me. I have loved someone with my whole heart but that is gone now because that person was not who I thought they were. I am cutting the toxicity from my life and I am going to enjoy it to the fullest. I am going to travel as much as possible and love every moment that I can. That is where the joy in life is. I am so thankful to be able to be where I am at this point even if the road to get here was incredibly rough and at times I was not able to see the sun through the clouds. Now I know that the sun is always there but sometimes you have to look a little harder to see it or even seek it out for yourself.
It's weird to look back on my life seven years ago, that girl that was in college and on the dean's list and making all of these plans for greatness. Then along came what I thought was love and I devoted everything to it. I quit school, I quit my job all so that I could spend as much time as possible with this person...a mistake? I don't know, I guess I could look at it that way but in the end if all of that hadn't happened I wouldn't be where I am now, and I like where I am and the places I am going. I have a wonderful, great paying job, I am going to go back to school and decide what I really want to do when I "grow up" and I am able to support myself. I feel pretty empowered and not so scared of what the future holds for me. I have loved someone with my whole heart but that is gone now because that person was not who I thought they were. I am cutting the toxicity from my life and I am going to enjoy it to the fullest. I am going to travel as much as possible and love every moment that I can. That is where the joy in life is. I am so thankful to be able to be where I am at this point even if the road to get here was incredibly rough and at times I was not able to see the sun through the clouds. Now I know that the sun is always there but sometimes you have to look a little harder to see it or even seek it out for yourself.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Unwilling strumpets...
I may be really weird but I absolutely HATE when a guy that I don't know buys me a drink. I guess I feel like it comes with some sort of anticipatory undertone that if they buy you enough things you will feel obligated to sleep with them or something ridiculous like that. A lovely way to get to know someone....make them into an unwilling strumpet within the first few moments of meeting. Maybe this sounds too feminist-ie...but it's not meant to. I guess I feel like I can buy my own damn drinks and I'd rather get to know someone not for their wallet or suaveness or ability to "pick me up" but rather their intellect or humor or their nice ass....but I want it to be my choice...so if you want to buy me a drink maybe it would be nice if you asked if you could before you just did it. Oh my god...maybe I am a feminist...shit. Shoot me now because no man will ever meet my inmeasurable standards and women are too crazy so I guess I am out of options.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Ahhh....love
Love!
Love.
Love?
Love,
Love...
How can one word so dictate the path of a life? Simply by changing the punctuation you can go from the best day ever to the most foreboding future. Bliss to tears. And in the end the question is was it all worth it? Is the ledge in front of you above a safety net or when you fall will you just land on the cold hard reality of it all? Life isn't the fairytale we're brought up hoping for. It is so much harsher, mundane and stagnate than what we envision at five years old. It is weird, what I am feeling today. Not pessimistic really, more like realistic, trepidacious, slightly sad. I think I may have forgotten how to be hopeful today and I want to cry...really, really cry just to cleanse my soul. And I would cry but I am not alone and it is no good to cry when I am not alone...then I have to hold back and then what is the point?
Love.
Love?
Love,
Love...
How can one word so dictate the path of a life? Simply by changing the punctuation you can go from the best day ever to the most foreboding future. Bliss to tears. And in the end the question is was it all worth it? Is the ledge in front of you above a safety net or when you fall will you just land on the cold hard reality of it all? Life isn't the fairytale we're brought up hoping for. It is so much harsher, mundane and stagnate than what we envision at five years old. It is weird, what I am feeling today. Not pessimistic really, more like realistic, trepidacious, slightly sad. I think I may have forgotten how to be hopeful today and I want to cry...really, really cry just to cleanse my soul. And I would cry but I am not alone and it is no good to cry when I am not alone...then I have to hold back and then what is the point?
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A dream
Have you ever woken up mid-dream kiss and ached for the stranger in your dream for the rest of the day? To know what their eyes look like when they are looking at you? Wondered if they really are a stranger? And then wondered some more how to find someone who can kiss you like that in real life? If after all of your heart breaks you'll even be strong enough to try for it again???
Today is that day for me...hauntingly, still lingering, in the back of my mind. Painting loneliness into a more tangible object...a stupid lump in my heart now, rather than the box I'd locked it into in the back of my mind. Apparently the box was full and now tears are spilling from it...Am I missing someone...I don't think so. I think I am missing the essence of someone I have yet to meet. I think that I am scared of myself, scared of the times I have already failed...feeling that I have fallen flat on my face too many times already...and maybe I should just stay on the ground.
It terrifies me that I am becoming inwardly cynical. I won't show it to anyone but my trust level is below zero at the moment...I have never been that way before. I used to trust until proven wrong and now I feel myself making new people earn that trust, even some of the old friends in my life too. I think sometimes I am naive to the world, or at least that is how I can come across. I'm really not, I just have a certain idea of how the world should be...Nice and honest and ultimately good...and if it is not that way I don't want to live in it...too idealistic perhaps...but what the hell is wrong with that? Maybe if more people thought that way the world would become that place. A place that people give back to instead of take, take, taking all the time.
So in summary this blog post shows that I am naive, waiting for a dream man, and terrified all at the same time....ah my brain takes the weirdest tangents. Must be time for bed....maybe my dream guy will come back again...and by the way...it is amazing to be dreaming again! For some reason my motto for this next week is going to be "Be the change you seek" - Gandhi it has been running through my mind all day. I guess it is time to act on it :)
Today is that day for me...hauntingly, still lingering, in the back of my mind. Painting loneliness into a more tangible object...a stupid lump in my heart now, rather than the box I'd locked it into in the back of my mind. Apparently the box was full and now tears are spilling from it...Am I missing someone...I don't think so. I think I am missing the essence of someone I have yet to meet. I think that I am scared of myself, scared of the times I have already failed...feeling that I have fallen flat on my face too many times already...and maybe I should just stay on the ground.
It terrifies me that I am becoming inwardly cynical. I won't show it to anyone but my trust level is below zero at the moment...I have never been that way before. I used to trust until proven wrong and now I feel myself making new people earn that trust, even some of the old friends in my life too. I think sometimes I am naive to the world, or at least that is how I can come across. I'm really not, I just have a certain idea of how the world should be...Nice and honest and ultimately good...and if it is not that way I don't want to live in it...too idealistic perhaps...but what the hell is wrong with that? Maybe if more people thought that way the world would become that place. A place that people give back to instead of take, take, taking all the time.
So in summary this blog post shows that I am naive, waiting for a dream man, and terrified all at the same time....ah my brain takes the weirdest tangents. Must be time for bed....maybe my dream guy will come back again...and by the way...it is amazing to be dreaming again! For some reason my motto for this next week is going to be "Be the change you seek" - Gandhi it has been running through my mind all day. I guess it is time to act on it :)
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